The Long Road Ahead

People say that stress is good for you id to say yes if you’re that type of person who excels under stress, 

As it turns out I’m not (Hypertension + Stroke) Who’d have thought?

So I recently had another health scare that lasted about a week thankfully it didn’t reach the point where I needed to be hospitalized but it was close but it got me thinking about why I do the things I do when it comes to over-stressing myself.

In my opinion, the majority of those reasons goes back to childhood as I’m sure most of you are aware those early years are a mould for most psychological traits you have and will develop in terms of me I’ve been described as thinking in a more neurotic sense when it comes to things.

Why? 

Because I’m always thinking ahead of things.

This skill has helped me from a very young age. In my family, there was an expectation of how i should act and it was frowned upon to let any news out, everything had to be kept under wraps, which wasn’t helped by the fact we had constant in-fightIng and trouble so keeping quiet was all I could do back then.

worry/anxiety:

I’m a constant worrier. What may that mean to you? For me it’s worrying about the things I say, the things I do, especially in the social sense. If I’m talking to someone on the fly I’m not careless with my words but I still think it’s going to be misinterpreted somehow.

My brain even goes through this process before even talking with you, that’s right… If I’ve ever met you I’ve had multiple conversations with you in my mind, things we might never talk about. I hope that’s not creepy to hear but also I don’t really have any control over it. If I distract myself it doesn’t seem to stay away those intrusive thoughts seem to come back to me.

Empathy:

As I mentioned my upbringing gave me this way of empathising I was subjected to a lot of guilt-tripping throughout my younger years this left me with an ability to empathise with people and put myself in the positions of those I talk to or know

This is a blessing because when I talk to you or read something to you I can put myself in your position.

It’s also a curse, cause it doesn’t help those conversations I have with you(me/my brain) or when I am worried about something that seems important to me but might not be to others especially when it comes to explaining it to people,

As I mentioned I had a health scare and the possibility of me going into hospital was talked about with me and my brain didn’t even wait till the end of the sentence before i was picturing myself put back in that “infernal” place again.

I immediately empathised with myself being in that place and that feeling of powerlessness came back to me,

I mean say what you want about the lockdowns. I would rather be free to move around my home, go for a walk and talk to my neighbours than be locked in a hospital ward/room with no control over anything, especially spending 3½ months in hospital. Anyway enough of that tangent.

My empathy can pull my own experiences to the forefront of my thoughts and because I can dredge up those feelings and I end up reliving them common for me to basically replay my “greatest hits” the good, the bad & the ugly which is *fun* as you’d hope your imagination after reading this far down.

That’s why I like to sleep again another important thing in dealing with and managing stress where you can hopefully sleep peacefully and dream of whatever your mind wants, Ironically you’d think that my dreams would be a mess but in my dreams, I’m generally happier when I’m talking to people. I don’t think about what they say. I have cute dreams about spending time with people that I love and being the main character in my own RPG. 

I’m looking into getting help with dealing with these issues and have been reading up on (CBT) cognitive behavioural therapy and will be having tryout auditions with various therapists until i find the right one or none who knows?

So who needs stress? Not me, maybe you but not me 🙂