So today I’m going to talk about an event that happened to me last year, and how I managed to deal with a big issue in terms of my recovery from stroke.
In May, I received a phone call from a physiotherapist, specifically the physiotherapist, who took me on for recovery after my stroke. She wanted to invite me for a checkup to see how I had progressed. It wasn’t easy, I never liked hospitals in my mind. There’s no good reason to be near one, and if you are, then it’s probably not a good thing. Anyway, I get there, I meet the physiotherapist. Her name is Donna, now I don’t know what it was that gave my nerves a sudden jolt with every move. I went from barely thinking about anything to thinking about the way in which my joints began to tighten, and everything else from top to bottom. I was indeed in a place that I did not want to be. By the time we had walked through the hospital from one end to the next, I was already feeling like I was going to be admonished. I noticed how she checked me out with every new obstacle, be it ramps, stairs, beds and chairs. Everything I manoeuvred around in the way I knew best for me was suddenly out in display. I knew this was only the beginning, but I still couldn’t help but feel like everything I’d done wasn’t right, and the furtive side glances that I saw her give were more than proof of that.
I should say I knew Donna from the first time I was in the hospital. She was the main physiotherapist I saw. That was when I truly got to know her, and also when I feared her, it was her strict disposition (which was only there after she switched into her “job mode”). To her credit, it’s good, because she wants the best for anyone that comes into her department. What more could you ask out of a person? But I still heard stories from her, and I became aware of how she operates. You know how people say most people are too busy thinking about themselves to care about you, or the thing you are worrying about, not her. When you were with her youre her problem and everything you’re thinking about. She’s also thinking about it.
Anyway, with that in mind, we go through the session, she takes notes on everything. I basically get told to come back in 2 weeks again. At this point, I’m happy, because finally I’m going to start and get the attention I need from the right people, or so I thought. I attend these sessions, take the feedback I’m given, and continue to work on myself. By the end of our fourth session, she comes to a decision that the limit of my recovery has been reached in terms of my left-sided weakness, and there’s very little that could be done to improve. While I’ve done extremely well, given the amount of recovery I’ve had to go through on my own, and without a lot of help and support I was due, but didn’t receive.
After hearing this, I felt a rush of what could be felt like inadequacy, anger, and disappointment, because throughout all of this I told myself that I can always improve on the way I do things and that my body can get back to “normal”. I will get back to the way things were before (use of my arm, hand and proper function in my leg), but it was not to be or I guess it’s unlikely. The past 4 years of that fell on top of me, and it wasn’t her fault. She has always been the type of person that doesn’t mince words and is very straight to the point. I like that, but it was as though a cloud was over my head from that moment.
After spending the rest of that day on autopilot, because I couldn’t distract myself enough for my brain to stop trying to process things, I decided that night that I’m not going to remain in this head-space, as it’s not healthy for me. I made the deal with myself that I will give myself 1 day to process, grieve, be annoyed, and then we move on with life because that’s the best thing I can do for me.
The next day, I decided to sit down and write a comparison of my life before and after the stroke. I took this idea from the YouTuber named Destiny, whom I respect and have often found use for his advice, and also a similar idea after reading an article by the author of The Six Pillars of Self esteem Nathaniel Branden, and the author had a description for self esteem that I found helpful.
Self-esteem is an experience. It is a particular way of experiencing the self. It is a good deal more than a mere feeling – this must be stressed. It involves emotional, evaluative, and cognitive components. It also entails certain action dispositions: to move toward life rather than away from it; to move toward consciousness rather than away from it; to treat facts with respect rather than denial; to operate self-responsibly rather than the opposite.
‘What Self-Esteem Is and Is Not | Nathaniel Branden’.
The next day, I woke up and already felt better than yesterday, so I knew what I was doing was the right thing for me and more importantly that I could do it. I went to Subway and ordered a footlong mega melt and a bottle of Coca-Cola. I came home, put my chill playlist on, and started writing. I felt great as I continued to spend time thinking about my life. I knew this was going my way. By the end of the day, I had written just over a page of my thoughts about my past and compared it to how I am now. I can say with assurance that my life is better now than before. In fact, it was a sacrifice that I found worth it and one that I wouldn’t change. That person wasn’t living in the world, he was going through life unsure of himself and others, and was dependent on others.
For those who are curious, I linked my doc below.
The Long Road Ahead 
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